flipout6655 2009-11-17 07:42:35

I'm sorry if this may offend. But, I just briefly skimmed through a few paragraphs and thought it was incredibly descriptive. I just don't like to start reading a story in the middle of something.

I'll read it all from the beginning, once I find it that is.

flipout6655 2009-11-18 08:03:44

I've just finished reading it. First thing I've got to say is, you've diffidently improved in your writing skills as the chapters went on. Second, In my own opinion, The main character just feels 'too' perfect. I mean, what? His; charismatic, charming with the ladies, athletic with a bulging six pack, an amazing strategist and comedian, where everyone seems to laugh, as to claim mental instability.

I'd probably say their universe is quite different, when it comes down to healthcare. If a long thin shard of sapphire had punctured your neck and had been absorbed into your bloodstream, I'd scream red alert, rushing the bloke to a hospital as quick as the wind. Instead, the nurse just says: "take two of these and go to bed, you'll be fine with a hunk of gem in your body, potentially ripping your blood vessels to oblivion."

His girlfriend just seems to be a down right, whore. She'd probably been bashed more times than a shipping dock, even though she mentioned she was a virgin.

Overall, it was a pretty fine read. I'm sorry if my views on your story were too harsh. But, it's just my opinion. I don't want you making a terrible hassle out of this, going out of your way to argue about what's good for your story.

Just have fun, I say. Looking forward for more too.

byteslinger 2009-11-20 23:00:16

A very interesting story. You have a knack for vivid detail, but you need to work on refining the style just a little bit. This particular chapter made for some very intense adult imagery, but the style was not as refined as it could have been. It's not an easy task to attempt to describe a sex scene with words - you're trying to juggle feelings, emotions and physical responses that are happening simoultaneously, and in a way everyone can relate to in their own mind. It didn't flow as smooth as I might like it, but that's just my opinion. Overall, I did like it, and I am looking forward to more. Scale of 1 (poor) to 10 (perfect) - this was a 9.

Now, do we find out in the next chapter that Alexis is actually an alien from an invading planet who collects human cocks as a hobby? And where's the mention of the time-space portals? Will there be a duel next chapter, or just more unbridled teen sex? (you'd best not be teasing your Auntie now!)

And, of course - we need more cowbells! (inside joke)

ADR3-N 2009-11-25 01:30:36

Pretty good. I'm not too much on the flow, but you seem to have it going pretty well, just a bit awkwardly, I suppose. Also, this is hella long, lol.